He asked me for charity

He asked me for charity
God came to my house and asked for charity;
And I fell on my knees and cried,
"Beloved, what may I give?"
"Just love," He said, "Just love."

 ~St Francis of Assisi

Broken Branches – the Swennes Beach House

Mom knew she was home the minute she drove over the Oregon California border.  But it was the beach house in Manzanita  Oregon that brought tears to her eyes and stirred her spirit.  She would gather up her scattered life and put it all together so it had meaning there.  That smell of ocean sea weed, salty and full of iron and fish with the musty of the beach house was an elixir for her.  The house was like her parents always being alive even though they had passed away many years ago; they rested in every corner, in the furniture and in the kitchen.  The smell of coffee, bacon and eggs, the smell of huckleberry pie in the oven  always welcomed her.  The little house sounded with the inhaling and exhaling of the ocean just two blocks away. 

The white two story house with the slanted roof and blue door had been a wedding gift to her parents. Her father would build the house on the lot for his eighteen year old bride. They would raise their four daughters there. They would see their many grandchildren run in and out and up and down the stairs and through the blue door with excitement. It was summertime and school was out. 

I remember being afraid of the cross eyed deer’s head with ornaments on his horns that sat in the space that separated the attic and the door way to the upstairs room.  Esak.  I would stop to stare at it awhile before quickly dodging Esak and running downstairs. I ran past the book shelves that lined the walls along the stairs. I ran my fingers along the books that were all well read and dog eared. I ran past the table with its jigsaw puzzle that only gets worked on at night and when the weather was cold and stormy. I ran in the kitchen to the smell of clams cooking.  My aunts would be gathered .  I was scared that Esak would  chase me. I loved to hear the old stories…of the time mom was shooting rabbits from the front yard.  Her father would come home with a nearby farmer.  He would say that mom shot one of his heifers a mile away.  The farmer was bereft. But this was just a joke papa said as my mother started to cry.

When the house burned down, the whole family grieved  the loss of an important family member.  IT was like losing your history.  Esak would be found smouldering in front of the wreckage of the house in embers.  Aunt Karene would find her baby buggy. Her earliest memories of times in this house.  She remembered when it was a tent with rolled up walls.  It was always sunny. She would collect rocks and shell and the knarled driftwood. Dig for clams. She remembered the house being built first a small one story and then a two story house with the blue door and the slanted roof. Mom would say it was like someone died. She grieved. 

Eventually, my aunts would rebuild the house. 

I would come back to this scene years later.  A California girl.  Mill Valley California was my home of 38 years.  But I would come back here to the scene of many childhood memories of mom and me to cast mom’s ashes onto Manzanita beach and in the garden of the Swennes beach house .

I remember, I remember  Fourth of July parades and fire works. Karene’s famous spegetti and salad.  Hot cocoa and marshmallows over a fire on the beach.  Of rolling down the doons and dancing in the sand.  Of cold a stormy weather outside, of being bundled up in front of the fire place keeping warm and safe,  Of digging for clams.

I remember, I remember this is a house of long lazy summers, of honeymoons and walks hand in hand along the sand with the fog rolling in.  

I remember, I remember mom telling me she came up from California to be with her mother as she was dying.  Her mother would stay at the beach house during her dying period.  She would teach her self French, because you never know, miracles do happen, but then again, they may speak French in Heaven. She would read and read books of around the world.  When she got too weak to hold the books, Papa ripped off the covers for her so that they wouldn’t be too heavy for her to hold.  When that was too much, Papa read to her.  

I thought of this years later as I was scattering moms ashes. I was alone. I had a hard time sharing my grief then.  I knew it was wrong to not include others. But I was always a difficult person, often negative.  When I had my nervous breakdown in 1994, My paranoia and psychosis alienated most of my mothers family. I often did irresponsible things that were hurtful to them and others.  I had a hard time sharing my grief.  This would make them mad, I know.  This is a town and a house that spoke of memories shared.  

The house was locked, so I walked around it and scattered on vile of mom’s ashes in the garden.  I heard the birds chirping and in the distance the seagulls caw calling on the beach.  Calling me to come smell and taste the ocean air and the smells of seaweed and wood smoke.  Seagulls are picking at crabs and fish that had washed ashore.  There is no litter, this is a loved place. A place of calmness of my scattered thoughts and broken life.  I was here with the memory of the young police officer that built the house for his eighteen year old bride, a house that they would raise their 4 daughters in.

I climbed down the craggy boulders that make the seawall imaging doing this with my sisters, cousins and dogs. I took off my shoes and walked along the shore line. I could feel  The wet of the salty waves against my legs and The wet sand in between my toes. I opened the vial that was all that was left of my mother and let the wind carry it along the waves and out to sea. Good by mom, I cry, I love you.  

Overcoming Life's Trials~

My mother felt that we needed a religious education with our secular schooling. Ever since I can remember. God was a part of my life.  Mom was a staunch Unitarian. But the only Unitarian church in the area was in the city at the time. So I was educated at St Andrews Presbyterian Church in Marin City from grade school until I graduated from high school.

I spent most of my life living with my mother. My father left us when I was seven and was absent from our lives. I was my mother's caregiver when she was terminally ill from cancer and sarcoidoisis.  I saw the catholic church as an outlet for my grief. I saw Mary as a second Mother; always there always comforting. I also found the prayers soothing. But I was a protestant catholic; I found the church to be conflicting to my more christian beliefs. That only through Christ, could we find salvation.

It was in 1994 that God found me. I was sitting in my office, when the Holy Spirit cam to be showering me with love. This was a love that I never felt before, it was total and unconditional. I started to cry. How could I be worthy of this love? I have many sins and regrets. Yet I was receiving total and forgiving love. God said, "I am here for you." From then on God became everything to me. I sought to find a church fellowship to be a part of. When I moved to San Rafael, I searched for a church to go to close to my house. I saw the sign for the Open Door Church. This was the church that my friend, Frank LaForge went to until his death. This was the church that transformed Frank's life and brought him comfort. I have been with Open Door church for five years now.

I spent most of my life fighting my demons. I had a nervous breakdown in 1994 and was diagnosed iwth schizoaffective and bipolar disorder. I took years to fix my broken life. I went into intensive therapy for four years and went back to Christ. I was hospitalized four times. I was homeless for two and a half years and in poverty for seventeen years. Yet joy and gratitude filled my life as God led me to having my own apartment and security. Through Christ, I have found the strength to confront and confess my sins. I began to feel the bitterness and paranoia that I was for most of my live leave.  I started counting lives blessings and Gods grace afforded me. I became a nicer person, finally making friends.

Daily, I affirm that I give my will to God's will.

Tough Questions From Kids ~ Should I stand up for myself around pushy kids?~

Yes, tell them how you feel. Be firm, but don't yell and lose your cool. The Bible says that a gentle answer will help calm a situation. Staying cool and being as nice as you can is your best chance for a good outcome. Sometimes this won't work, and you'll be tempted to fight.  But don't do it--walk away instead. If kids get pushy, tell and adult.

Tough questions from kids ~ Is God sad when I do something wrong?~

God is very sad when we do bad things. He sees how much sin hurts us-and others. Even though we make mistakes sometimes, God realizes that we are growing. He keeps on encouraging us. He loves us so much that He will not give up on us. God will help us to be good, and is very pleased when we do the right things!

Tough questions from kids: Why did Jesus go to Heaven instead of staying here on earth?

Jesus' home is in heaven, so it is not surprising that He would leave the earth and go back to his Father.  Jesus also went to heaven to prepare a place for us. When He left, Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be with us. The Holy Spirit can be everywhere because He lives inside all people who have trusted in Christ as Savior.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
that floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out did the sparkling waves in glee;
A poet could not by be gay,
In such a jocund company;
I gazed and gazed - but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
~William Wordsworth

A Parable to Immortality~Manzanita Oregon 1953

A Parable of Immortality

I am standing upon the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.

She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch until at last she hangs
like a speck of white cloud
just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "

Gone where?

Gone from my sight . . . that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the place of destination.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment
when someone at my side says,
" There she goes! "
there are other eyes watching her coming . . .
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout . . .

" Here she comes! "

~Henry Van Dyke

Tough questions from kids ~ what should I do if other kids laugh at me for going to church?~

Tough questions from kids ~What should I do if other kids laugh at me for going to church?~

Someone who laughs at you for going to church may not know what church is, may have never been to church, and probably doesn't know what it means to love God. You can pray for that person and-if you get the chance-offer an invitation to go to church with you sometime, especially when your church has a fun night or other social activity.